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Daytime TV: Stealing Your IQ Points One Channel At A Time

June 4, 2014 // 36 Comments

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Occasionally I leave the office and eat my lunch at home. I get to spend an hour away from the LAP compound (where the microwave still hasn’t been repaired since Chowderhead’s famous Chef Boyardee incident) [Editor’s Note:  it was [Click For More]

LAP Investigates: The Ice Cream Shoppe

May 29, 2014 // 42 Comments

Here at LAP, we keep our finger on the pulse of all the latest controversies and sources of political discord. Perhaps the most significant and polarizing issue facing the modern world has come to a head recently, and in an unprecedented exposé, we’ve gone undercover at the very source of the conflict—no, not Ukraine—the local ice cream [Click For More]

LAP’s 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

May 27, 2014 // 83 Comments

Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today.  It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there. Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide [Click For More]

Purging Facebook Friends: Psychological Warfare At Its Finest

May 2, 2014 // 50 Comments

Deep in the bunkers here at the Long Awkward Pause Command Post, we often receive emails from helpful readers who alert our crack team of investigative journalists to important breaking news stories. In accordance with our strict standards of journalistic integrity, we carefully review every submission, especially the ones that contain Starbucks [Click For More]

Twinkie The Kid Starts A Comeback

August 2, 2013 // 44 Comments

When you leave the academy, they say that you’re ready. That is mostly true. And then you find one of your childhood icons passed out in an alley and you realize there’s no such thing as ready. I was working the west side, overnight shift. Something caught my eye. Were those legs and cowboy boots sticking out from behind that [Click For More]
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