Tag Archives: writing

common-core-math-problem September 05

Common Core – The Death Of Math As We Know It (And Not In A Good Way)

“Daddy, I need your help,” the 7 year old says to me. “Sure honey…with what?” I respond. “Homework. Math. I don’t understand it.” Second grade math. Easy. Addition. Subtraction. Piece. Of. Cake. Now is my chance to look like a Super Hero! Captain Mathman! Super Subtraction-man! The Great Additionanator! With great pride and bravado I […]

Herve_Villechaize_1977 August 18

The Greatest Tattoo, Ever

The story of a great moment, told in the rambling style I would use if we were standing in a bar.

th August 08

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: AUGUST 2014 HOROSCOPES

Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, and Crypto-zoologist     August 2014 will be marked simultaneously by the most beneficent and respectively the most dreadful of all astrological aspects. So buckle the f**k up, buttercup! The most dreadful astrological aspect will be the conjunction between Mars and Uranus, which will take place […]

315px-International_Morse_Code.svg July 10

Hip To Be … –.- ..- .- .-. .

Sometimes ironic, sometimes retro-chic, hipsters are the compass that points our culture toward cool. The horn rimmed glasses and skinny jeans have almost become the uniform of the mainstream, wanna-be hipster. Anyone wearing these is usually a poseur to the Nth degree or a model in a J. Crew ad. To keep themselves one step ahead of what society […]

cup June 30

The World Cup: Origins

So, what is that thing that happens on TV every four years that no one cares about when it isn’t on? No! Not the Olympics! Yes! The World Cup! In this, the first in a series of features in which I feature a series of how certain things came to be and/or live and exist […]

J. Crew catalog June 24

If Straight Guys Named the Colors in the J. Crew Catalog

When it comes to the creative naming of colors, gay men and the J. Crew catalog have got it on lock. Have you ever read a J. Crew catalog? Their sweater shades are not simply “red,” “green,” or “yellow.” Beige is “Carribean Sand.” Navy blue is “Night Shadow,” and so on. I once worked at a […]

toe ring 2 June 23

An Open Letter to Anyone Wearing Foot Jewelry

  Dear anklet (ankle bracelet) and toe ring wearers, On behalf of the world, I want to inform you that we’re all a little perplexed as to why you’d use accessories to accentuate what is arguably the least sexy part of the human body (unless you have a foot fetish or you like a big […]

LAPpic May 29

LAP Investigates: The Ice Cream Shoppe

Here at LAP, we keep our finger on the pulse of all the latest controversies and sources of political discord. Perhaps the most significant and polarizing issue facing the modern world has come to a head recently, and in an unprecedented exposé, we’ve gone undercover at the very source of the conflict—no, not Ukraine—the local […]

sajak May 21

Pat Sajak Overheats with Global Warming Tweet

What does Pat Sajak’s tweet about global warming prove? That he doesn’t know he’s just Pat Sajak and that cough medicine is very strong.
Also, this is the only thing you’ll read all day that mentions Rolf Benirschke.

tumblr_m3gt8d2J8g1qal8hpo4_5002 May 19

The Strange Phenomenon of Drawing Creepy Children to Sell Food

Do you have children? Do you feed them? If you answered YES to both of these questions, then I have another one for you. When you feed your children; do they look like crazy, demon possessed, insane asylum patients?     The Corporate America of yesteryear certainly felt that they did – as evidenced by […]

May 16

Should Ninjas Wear Fedoras?

Here at LAP, we like to consider ourselves good law-abiding citizens. Unless, of course, we are actually out having fun and not abiding by the law. All that aside, we have been intently following the story of recent mansion robberies in Southwest Florida. Not tensions in the Middle East or the deterioration of Social Security, […]

maxresdefault May 14

A Charming Interview With A Snake Whisperer

I hop into John Everhart’s van. No, he didn’t offer me candy. I kind of wished he did, because on the side of this particular van is a picture of John and a rather big, ugly Burmese Python. Over the picture in a font that probably predates the 1970’s  is the moniker; John Everhart Snake […]

Computer Nerd May 05

Nerdboy Dating 101

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were […]

unfriend May 02

Purging Facebook Friends: Psychological Warfare At Its Finest

Deep in the bunkers here at the Long Awkward Pause Command Post, we often receive emails from helpful readers who alert our crack team of investigative journalists to important breaking news stories. In accordance with our strict standards of journalistic integrity, we carefully review every submission, especially the ones that contain Starbucks gift cards and […]

April 30

7 Must-See Commercial Parodies

  Jean-Claude Van Damme Volvo Commercial In what can only be considered the work of marketing geniuses, Volvo found a way to equate the most epic of splits with precision steering. And who better to take on the daunting task of traveling spread eagle between two moving semi-trucks than Jean-Claude Van Damme? With “a pair […]

Dancing around the May Pole together. April 28

Like Justin Timberlake and sexy, I’m bringin’ May Day back

Somewhere, lost between the risen Lord of Easter Sunday and the more laid-back Dos Equis guy of Cinco de Mayo, is the Roman flower goddess Flora, who used to reign supreme as THE party icon this time of year. Nowadays, any May Pole dancing is purely coincidental, at strip clubs, with the only reference to […]

gingercrowd April 27

Burn Gingers And Save The Planet!

  Everybody please welcome guest speaker Jim O’Sullivan from GingerFightBack.com.  On Jim’s page you will find gingers, poetry, nonsense, red hair, hope, and sausages. Not necessarily in that order. Jim is a great friend of LAP so be sure to check out his site. Also, if you are a ginger and are having trouble with bullies, Jim has […]

circletalker April 23

Talking in Circles with Circle Talkers

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What’s up? It’s an easy question that should illicit a straightforward and immediate reply. In fact, “not much” would be adequate enough, because that would mean that the conversation is now over and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your […]

5-1 April 21

A tour through my album collection

Growing up, dear children, I was not aloud to listen to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music. My father would say to me, “Monk, m’boy, if I ever see you listening to Rock ‘n’ Roll Music, I’ll slit yer face.” And so, dear, children, I never did… But in the late 1980s, something amazing happened. First, I […]

bullet April 18

The Bullet Points

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave […]

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