Tag Archives: satire

frozen_collage March 09

It’s March — Why aren’t you celebrating Frozen Food Month?

It’s been more than 80 years since Clarence Birdseye, inspired by ancient food preservation methods used by Arctic Eskimos, made history by introducing the very first frozen food option: “Savory Caribou on a Stick.” Though his first selection was met with little enthusiasm, Birdseye persisted and eventually created a line of frozen vegetables that many […]

manhood February 23

After 50 Shades of Magic Mike, men are trying to recover their manhood

It was a tough week for the male persuasion. However, now that the 50 Shades of dust has settled, men are emerging from the proverbial rubble a bit shellshocked and checking for survivors. Not only did we go head-to-head with the release of 50 Shades, we were also flanked by Valentine’s Day AND word of […]

Fifty_Shades_of_Grey_1 February 19

LAP Interviews ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Moviegoers

Since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey over Valentine’s Day weekend, everyone’s been talking (at a volume low enough so that no one can actually hear them) about this cinematic interpretation of E.L. James’s seminal contribution to literature. We’ve all seen who’s reading Fifty Shades of Grey, but who’s willing to pay ten bucks to […]

50 shades wine February 12

This Weekend’s Forecast: Sex and Wine

You know what’s happening this weekend is, don’t you? Let me give you a hint – it’s a special day that celebrates love. Many women have been waiting months for this day so that they can revel in a night of pure romance.   Meanwhile, many men will be spending a night out with their significant […]

source: dividedstates.com February 06

Post Your Brian Williams Misrememberances Here.

Brian Williams. He said his helicopter was shot down, but now…not so much. Long Awkward Pause is your place to shoot Brian Williams down with your derisive misrememberances.

Valentines-Day-752x483 February 02

The LAP Guide to Valentine’s Day

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we like to think of ourselves as a full-service organization.  At least that’s what our manager, Howard, says when he tells us to get him coffee.  In the spirit of spreading that special Valentine’s Day feeling, the staff put together a short list of V-Day gifts that will give your […]

blow nachos January 22

Now We’re Cooking with Fire

Some friends were coming over for dinner and I had a major case of writer’s block.   Or I guess that would be cook’s block, but that sounds like glorified cutting board.   So let’s just call it I-had-no-freaking-clue-what-to-make block. This was about the same time that I was working on my Peyton Manning fashion post. […]

shuttle January 19

A catchy NASA acronym could lead to restrooms on Mars

When NASA director Dr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. said that this year’s mission selection process was the most difficult session in more than two decades, it got me thinking: I wonder how Barbara Eden is doing? After a quick Google search found her alive and well, a second thought crossed my mind: What is the […]

Screen Shot 2015-01-15 at 5.21.37 AM January 15

5 Steps for Instant Instagram Success

So you’ve finally decided to share your selfies with a larger audience and joined Instagram, huh? Instagram is a square, heavily-filtered jungle home to caffeine addicts, social networking narcissists, proud pet owners, amateur chefs, and people who use #kendalljenner on all of their posts. When you’re just getting started, it can be difficult to determine where […]

Image public domain January 08

You Don’t Know How I Feel – All About Windchill

How do they calculate wind chill? I’ll tell you, but I’m also going to tell you that it is bullshit.

BAM! There he was! December 18

And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

If you follow me Facebook or Twitter (probably against your better judgement) then you may have seen this photo taken a few days ago by a security camera at Fred Meyer. Many of you have asked what the story is behind this bizarre image, which some have compared to the famous 1967 footage of Bigfoot […]

awksit December 15

LAP’s Awkward Situation Holiday Gift Guide

It wouldn’t be the holiday season without at least one awkward gift-giving situation that has you completely stumped. Luckily, awkward is pretty much our specialty here at Long Awkward Pause. So without further ado, here’s the very first edition of LAP’s Awkward Situation Holiday Gift Guide.

take-that-young December 14

5 of the WORST Boy Band Lyrics – LAP TV

Introducing LAP TV with your host: Jaclyn! Join her as she counts down the 5 worst boy band lyrics.

facebook December 08

99 Percent Of Facebook In 99 Words

If you have spent more than a few minutes on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed that a lot of Facebook posts are actually very similar in nature. In fact, you could probably rephrase most of Facebook posts as one of the updates below, thus summarizing 99% of entire Facebook in fewer than 100 words.

November 26

Report: Millennials Staying at the Kids’ Table Longer

Corroborating with statistics that show Millennials are living at home in their parents’ basements longer than previous generations, a new study released by researchers at Cornell University found that a startling 89% of Millennials plan on staying at the Thanksgiving kids’ table for as long as possible. “Whether the constituents of the kids’ table were […]

shopping November 20

Male Aversion To Holiday Shopping Linked To Survival Instinct

It’s an American tradition: Kicking off the holiday shopping season by spending the morning after Thanksgiving standing in line at your favorite department store, shivering in the pre-dawn hours, determined to be among the first to get through the doors before your holiday dinner bowel movement hits. It’s a calculated risk, but one we are […]

peanut October 30

Mr. Peanut – Behind The Monocle, Pain

Mr. Peanut. He’s a great guy, but he’s got a flaw that leaves him vulnerable. Here’s how you can help.

DSC02099 October 27

5 Last Minute DIY Halloween Costumes (For People Who Suck at DIYing)

Halloweek is upon us, and there are just five days left to find a distinctive costume that reflects your true Halloween self. Will you wear a cheesy couples costume? Will your areolas be visible? Will you be that person at a party who wears your normal, ugly clothes and makes a point of telling everyone, […]

ned October 16

SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

To avoid creating widespread panic with that headline, let me begin by assuring everyone there’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! You did not somehow miss a Brad and Angelina sex tape that was leaked onto the Internet. However, before giving a huge sigh of relief, there’s still that whole Ebola thing going on in Texas which, […]

kim October 06

If Kimye Made a Music Video

  Jacyln is the queen of the three S’s: sassy, snarky and sarcastic. You can find her at: snarkybrunette.com where she writes about pop culture, dating, life, pop culture, people, random things, and pop culture. You can also find her on her YouTube Channel: Snarky TV.     ————————————————————————————   Most of us would agree that we have this […]

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