Tag Archives: satire

blow nachos January 22

Now We’re Cooking with Fire

Some friends were coming over for dinner and I had a major case of writer’s block.   Or I guess that would be cook’s block, but that sounds like glorified cutting board.   So let’s just call it I-had-no-freaking-clue-what-to-make block. This was about the same time that I was working on my Peyton Manning fashion post. […]

shuttle January 19

A catchy NASA acronym could lead to restrooms on Mars

When NASA director Dr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. said that this year’s mission selection process was the most difficult session in more than two decades, it got me thinking: I wonder how Barbara Eden is doing? After a quick Google search found her alive and well, a second thought crossed my mind: What is the […]

Screen Shot 2015-01-15 at 5.21.37 AM January 15

5 Steps for Instant Instagram Success

So you’ve finally decided to share your selfies with a larger audience and joined Instagram, huh? Instagram is a square, heavily-filtered jungle home to caffeine addicts, social networking narcissists, proud pet owners, amateur chefs, and people who use #kendalljenner on all of their posts. When you’re just getting started, it can be difficult to determine where […]

Image public domain January 08

You Don’t Know How I Feel – All About Windchill

How do they calculate wind chill? I’ll tell you, but I’m also going to tell you that it is bullshit.

BAM! There he was! December 18

And here’s that time I was stalked by Santa

If you follow me Facebook or Twitter (probably against your better judgement) then you may have seen this photo taken a few days ago by a security camera at Fred Meyer. Many of you have asked what the story is behind this bizarre image, which some have compared to the famous 1967 footage of Bigfoot […]

awksit December 15

LAP’s Awkward Situation Holiday Gift Guide

It wouldn’t be the holiday season without at least one awkward gift-giving situation that has you completely stumped. Luckily, awkward is pretty much our specialty here at Long Awkward Pause. So without further ado, here’s the very first edition of LAP’s Awkward Situation Holiday Gift Guide.

take-that-young December 14

5 of the WORST Boy Band Lyrics – LAP TV

Introducing LAP TV with your host: Jaclyn! Join her as she counts down the 5 worst boy band lyrics.

facebook December 08

99 Percent Of Facebook In 99 Words

If you have spent more than a few minutes on Facebook, you’ve probably noticed that a lot of Facebook posts are actually very similar in nature. In fact, you could probably rephrase most of Facebook posts as one of the updates below, thus summarizing 99% of entire Facebook in fewer than 100 words.

November 26

Report: Millennials Staying at the Kids’ Table Longer

Corroborating with statistics that show Millennials are living at home in their parents’ basements longer than previous generations, a new study released by researchers at Cornell University found that a startling 89% of Millennials plan on staying at the Thanksgiving kids’ table for as long as possible. “Whether the constituents of the kids’ table were […]

shopping November 20

Male Aversion To Holiday Shopping Linked To Survival Instinct

It’s an American tradition: Kicking off the holiday shopping season by spending the morning after Thanksgiving standing in line at your favorite department store, shivering in the pre-dawn hours, determined to be among the first to get through the doors before your holiday dinner bowel movement hits. It’s a calculated risk, but one we are […]

peanut October 30

Mr. Peanut – Behind The Monocle, Pain

Mr. Peanut. He’s a great guy, but he’s got a flaw that leaves him vulnerable. Here’s how you can help.

DSC02099 October 27

5 Last Minute DIY Halloween Costumes (For People Who Suck at DIYing)

Halloweek is upon us, and there are just five days left to find a distinctive costume that reflects your true Halloween self. Will you wear a cheesy couples costume? Will your areolas be visible? Will you be that person at a party who wears your normal, ugly clothes and makes a point of telling everyone, […]

ned October 16

SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

To avoid creating widespread panic with that headline, let me begin by assuring everyone there’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! You did not somehow miss a Brad and Angelina sex tape that was leaked onto the Internet. However, before giving a huge sigh of relief, there’s still that whole Ebola thing going on in Texas which, […]

kim October 06

If Kimye Made a Music Video

  Jacyln is the queen of the three S’s: sassy, snarky and sarcastic. You can find her at: snarkybrunette.com where she writes about pop culture, dating, life, pop culture, people, random things, and pop culture. You can also find her on her YouTube Channel: Snarky TV.     ————————————————————————————   Most of us would agree that we have this […]

fonze September 18

It’s official: Everyone wants to be cool

A recent poll conducted by the staff here at Long Awkward Pause suggests that a whopping 95 percent of Americans (living within a one-block radius of LAP headquarters) either want to be — or already consider themselves to be — really cool. And not just because of their proximity to our office. I should point […]

Megaphone mother yelling at daughter August 25

Parenting teens is easy once you embrace being an embarrassment

Everyone with teenagers please raise your free hand. And by “free” hand, I mean whichever hand isn’t either guarding your wallet or refrigerator door. For parents without a free hand because you are guarding both, don’t worry; we can see it in your eyes. It’s that blank, pleading stare recognized and shared by all parents […]

Herve_Villechaize_1977 August 18

The Greatest Tattoo, Ever

The story of a great moment, told in the rambling style I would use if we were standing in a bar.

Tubes or Tubey or Tubies. If one of your friends calls them Penne then they are just being pretentious. August 11

Long Awkward Pause’s Tips On Pasta

Pasta. We all love it. Even if someone says they don’t…they secretly do. It’s too multifaceted not to love. It comes in too many shapes and sizes not to love. There are too many sauce choices to go with it, not to love. You can serve it as a side dish. You can serve it as […]

th August 08

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: AUGUST 2014 HOROSCOPES

Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, and Crypto-zoologist     August 2014 will be marked simultaneously by the most beneficent and respectively the most dreadful of all astrological aspects. So buckle the f**k up, buttercup! The most dreadful astrological aspect will be the conjunction between Mars and Uranus, which will take place […]

iphone6 July 24

Four Hot Rumors About iPhone 6

Looking for the latest rumors on iPhone 6? We’ve got a few you haven’t heard anywhere else.

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