Tag Archives: humor

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - JULY 14:  Students throw their mortarboards in the air during their graduation photograph at the University of Birmingham degree congregations  on July 14, 2009 in Birmingham, England. Over 5000 graduates will be donning their robes this week to collect their degrees from The University of Birmingham. A recent survey suggested that there are 48 graduates competing for every job.  (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images) May 29

Graduates: Don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

To this year’s high school graduates: As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the […]

graduation (1) May 27

2015 Advice To Graduates

Howard the manager got a request for a graduation speaker.  I was not his first choice to fill the ticket.  Actually I think he tried to get a guest blogger when the rest of the staff were busy, but the email found my inbox.  He cautioned me about not making a scene or something like […]

earth-from-space May 23

This Week On Earth: May 17th – May 23rd 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: May 17th – May 23rd 2015   This Is One Way To Make Baseball More Interesting Hey People! Cameras are everywhere! Everywhere! When are you going to realize this? Now we know Baseball is boring…we […]

key1 May 18

Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

Fun quiz here, people: one of the most germ-ridden areas of your house is: The toilet Your butthole The TV remote Your keyboard   If you answered A or C, you’re close. If you answered B, you didn’t read the question, unless you happen to live up your own ass. I understand this happens to […]

DWXHNK1431699548 May 16

This Week On Earth: May 10th – May 16th 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: May 10th – May 16th 2015   Puff, Puff…Can’t Pass…I’m On Satellite If you are on South African television having a debate about the legalization of marijuana, and the opposing side is nipping at […]

week-in-reveiw May 09

This Week On Earth: May 3rd – May 9th 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of:  May 3rd – May 9th 2015   This Is What Happens When You Forget To Put Extra Ketchup In The To Go Bag A crazed (and probably hopped up on the drugs) man enters a restaurant […]

Ned with an advanced copy of  "50 Shades of Time-Traveling Vampire Love." May 07

Part two: LAP interviews self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

As I mentioned in Part I of my Long Awkward Pause interview wth Ima Knowitall, she is the author of more than 40 online novels this past year, and was recently honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.” […]

image May 05

LAP interviews self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

With the release of her highly anticipated online novel Time-Traveling Vampires of Love just a few days away, I held little hope of getting an interview with Ima Knowitall when I called her private number on assignment for Long Awkward Pause this morning. Knowitall is the author of more than 40 online novels this past […]

week-in-reveiw May 02

This Week On Earth: April 26th – May 2nd 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: April 26th – May 2nd 2015 Burning Down The House At the top of the list is the Baltimore Riots. What better way to show injustice over police violence then to violently destroy your city so […]

Mangria lineup May 01

Alcoholic Abominations

In mid-March I had an experience with alcohol that was so incredibly awful it bordered on laughable.  The best way I can describe it is that it was “an alcoholic abomination.”   Not that kind of abomination.  And it wasn’t the green beer, either – it was worse. I had Mangria. At quick glance, I […]

credit: grail games April 29

Win One Zero One The Card Game!

Now that Long Awkward Pause has hit the big time…and by big time we mean ALL of our Moms now read it…we have stock piled a mass of things to give away. (Big thanks to my Mom for finally jumping on board. She was the last lone hold out.) Who doesn’t like to receive things for free? […]

Credit: kcmeesha.com April 27

McDonald’s Welcomes Joseph Stalin To Its Management Team

The following internal McDonald’s memo has been leaked to a LAP reporter. Dear valued McDonald’s employees! Our company is going through challenging times, and the best way to overcome the challenges is to select the most capable leaders to take our company forward. It is with this goal in mind that we announce some very […]

KRAFT_Macaroni-Cheese_Dinner April 23

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change.  Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and […]

bump-pic-TV April 19

LAP TV: Ridiculous News Titles And Ned’s Secrets To Incredible Acting

  Jacyln visits some ridiculous news titles found from the web and Ned takes you on an inside look into the world of acting:     MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE: Facebook: Long Awkward Pause Twitter: @LongAwkPause Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic LAP TV: YouTube Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

election2016 April 14

LAP Covers the Election

After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk.  It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP. “Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful.  He added something that […]

body-fat-percentage-livestrong-17385 April 09

Die Cellulite, Die

Cellulite, wherefore art thou? And by “wherefore” I definitely mean “why,” not the commonly mistaken “where,” especially because no one has trouble locating this enemy of our ass, ever. So tell me, cellulite, why? We eat right, we exercise, we have decent genes, yet there you are, the dreaded “surface of the moon” quivering into […]

(image by USPS) April 08

Other Things Maya Angelou Didn’t Say, On A Stamp

Last year, noted author and poet Maya Angelou passed away. The United States Postal Service responded in the only way it could, by designing a stamp in tribute to her. Actually, a stamp isn’t the only way they could have responded. They also could have sent a nice card to her family because, after all, […]

obesity March 30

Science links obesity to fat, lazy microbes

Scientists at Cornell University have created a device capable of measuring the weight of a single cell. This is big news because it moves us beyond the limits of sub-gram measurements “nano,” “pico” and “femto,” and into an exciting new realm of measurements known as “zeppo,” “harpo” and “groucho.” This could eventually lead to the […]

Billy Gardell March 28

Over the Line Podcast #14 with Billy Gardell and Phil Keoghan of Amazing Race

On Today’s Show: Special Guests: Billy Gardell from “Mike and Molly” Phil Keoghan host of “The Amazing Race” Plus: Risk vs. Monopoly, Chris Hardwick vs The Daily Show, X-Files Listen to the Show Here: You can download the episode or listen on the Podomatic App here: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/entry/2015-03-26T19_22_44-07_00 Official PauseCast Page: http://longawkwardpause.podomatic.com/ iTunes Link: Coming Soon You can contact […]

X-factor-one-direction-2013 March 27

Your One Direction Questions Answered

Looking for answers about One Direction and why Zayn left? I’m here for you.

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