Category Archives: Humor

Who's your daddy? June 20

Father’s Day – A How-To Guide

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.  Like other important holidays such as Arbor Day or National G-String Day, LAP wants to provide our expert advice to you, gentle reader, on how to properly celebrate Father’s Day with your father.  Here’s how:

dog June 16

Attention Dog Lovers Who Hate Dead Dogs On Film

Jack actually found this web site, but I stole the story from him. It’s the Internet Movie Database for whether or not a dog is killed in a movie, and it’s called: Does the Dog Die?

160px-Shot_glass_with_Fishermans_friend June 11

Let’s Do Fireball Shots! Bad Idea.

Let’s do Fireball! Yeah! Good idea! Here’s why three of your friends are going to be carrying your drunk ass home.

fathers-day-present-the-strange-team June 02

Father’s Day gift ideas you can swear by. And so will Dad

Just like Kanye West’s next public outburst, Father’s Day will be here before we know it. That means Dad will once again be wearing new underwear and smelling like he’s been attacked by a cologne salesman (who, in self defense, Dad likely strangled with his new paisley tie.) This year, why not break from tradition […]

funny-Earth-hugging-Mars May 30

This Week On Earth: May 24th – May 30th 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: May 24th – May 30th 2015

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - JULY 14:  Students throw their mortarboards in the air during their graduation photograph at the University of Birmingham degree congregations  on July 14, 2009 in Birmingham, England. Over 5000 graduates will be donning their robes this week to collect their degrees from The University of Birmingham. A recent survey suggested that there are 48 graduates competing for every job.  (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images) May 29

Graduates: Don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

To this year’s high school graduates: As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the […]

graduation (1) May 27

2015 Advice To Graduates

Howard the manager got a request for a graduation speaker.  I was not his first choice to fill the ticket.  Actually I think he tried to get a guest blogger when the rest of the staff were busy, but the email found my inbox.  He cautioned me about not making a scene or something like […]

earth-from-space May 23

This Week On Earth: May 17th – May 23rd 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: May 17th – May 23rd 2015   This Is One Way To Make Baseball More Interesting Hey People! Cameras are everywhere! Everywhere! When are you going to realize this? Now we know Baseball is boring…we […]

key1 May 18

Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

Fun quiz here, people: one of the most germ-ridden areas of your house is: The toilet Your butthole The TV remote Your keyboard   If you answered A or C, you’re close. If you answered B, you didn’t read the question, unless you happen to live up your own ass. I understand this happens to […]

DWXHNK1431699548 May 16

This Week On Earth: May 10th – May 16th 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: May 10th – May 16th 2015   Puff, Puff…Can’t Pass…I’m On Satellite If you are on South African television having a debate about the legalization of marijuana, and the opposing side is nipping at […]

week-in-reveiw May 09

This Week On Earth: May 3rd – May 9th 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of:  May 3rd – May 9th 2015   This Is What Happens When You Forget To Put Extra Ketchup In The To Go Bag A crazed (and probably hopped up on the drugs) man enters a restaurant […]

Ned with an advanced copy of  "50 Shades of Time-Traveling Vampire Love." May 07

Part two: LAP interviews self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

As I mentioned in Part I of my Long Awkward Pause interview wth Ima Knowitall, she is the author of more than 40 online novels this past year, and was recently honored by the Society of Illiterate Columnists (SIC) for her contributions to “…the advancement of people who write without the shackles of proper grammar.” […]

image May 05

LAP interviews self-proclaimed best-selling author Ima Knowitall

With the release of her highly anticipated online novel Time-Traveling Vampires of Love just a few days away, I held little hope of getting an interview with Ima Knowitall when I called her private number on assignment for Long Awkward Pause this morning. Knowitall is the author of more than 40 online novels this past […]

week-in-reveiw May 02

This Week On Earth: April 26th – May 2nd 2015

Hello Saturday! Let’s take a look back at what was notable in news, internet, and other shenanigans for the week of: April 26th – May 2nd 2015 Burning Down The House At the top of the list is the Baltimore Riots. What better way to show injustice over police violence then to violently destroy your city so […]

credit: grail games April 29

Win One Zero One The Card Game!

Now that Long Awkward Pause has hit the big time…and by big time we mean ALL of our Moms now read it…we have stock piled a mass of things to give away. (Big thanks to my Mom for finally jumping on board. She was the last lone hold out.) Who doesn’t like to receive things for free? […]

Credit: kcmeesha.com April 27

McDonald’s Welcomes Joseph Stalin To Its Management Team

The following internal McDonald’s memo has been leaked to a LAP reporter. Dear valued McDonald’s employees! Our company is going through challenging times, and the best way to overcome the challenges is to select the most capable leaders to take our company forward. It is with this goal in mind that we announce some very […]

KRAFT_Macaroni-Cheese_Dinner April 23

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change.  Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and […]

bump-pic-TV April 19

LAP TV: Ridiculous News Titles And Ned’s Secrets To Incredible Acting

  Jacyln visits some ridiculous news titles found from the web and Ned takes you on an inside look into the world of acting:     MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE: Facebook: Long Awkward Pause Twitter: @LongAwkPause Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic LAP TV: YouTube Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

(image by USPS) April 08

Other Things Maya Angelou Didn’t Say, On A Stamp

Last year, noted author and poet Maya Angelou passed away. The United States Postal Service responded in the only way it could, by designing a stamp in tribute to her. Actually, a stamp isn’t the only way they could have responded. They also could have sent a nice card to her family because, after all, […]

stan lee and spider-man spidey 1974 electric company ctw marvel comics bronze age live action actor danny April 04

SPIDER-MAN SAVES EASTER!

Back in the 1970’s there was a weird phenomenon where the entertainment industry (in collusion with Hallmark) decided in order to take our minds off the Cold War and the oil crisis, our precious holidays were under attack and therefore had to be saved. You can still see the post-traumatic stress effects of this if […]

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