Author Archives: Chowderhead

spider September 22

Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders

Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world: 1.) fugging nasty spiders 2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what […]

download (1) August 14

The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook

Shaking hands is a greeting ritual dating back to the early Neolithic period.  Apparently, somewhere around that time people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member.  There’s your fun history fact for the day. This custom and its many variations have lead to some confusion after the advent of Instagram, but […]

image July 14

LAP’s Staff Contest Winner Pictures

Congratulations again to our contest winner, Catherine! She’s the author of the blog, Always a Redhead, and sole proprietor of the only Long Awkward Pause swag on the planet to date.  Well, that is unless there’s another Long Awkward Pause that we’re not aware of that is preparing to spank our butts with a copyright infringement suit […]

image June 21

The Saturday Six: Popular Brand Slogans Revised

Before the advent of marketing, there was a time when people lived in grass huts and ate acorns for breakfast.  It was a much simpler time back then, because people didn’t have to stand in line on Black Friday to buy TVs to watch Kim Kardashian. Instead, they drew pictures of her on rocks with sticks covered in animal dung. […]

LAP Aniversary Banner June 19

Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh?  Exclamation points add so much excitement!  Without one, the context completely changes. But enough of the grammar lessons, because it’s time to reveal the winner of the Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz!  And one more exclamation point just for fun! Here […]

Balloons on a white background June 12

Help us Celebrate our One Year Anniversary with a Chance to Win Cash and Prizes!

Today is a very special day here at Long Awkward Pause because it marks our first year anniversary! *Throws confetti* *Spits out confetti* After all the hard work and bantering that’s gone on over the past year, we’ve decided to conduct a pop quiz today to see how well you think you know the staff. For the first time […]

o-ASSEMBLING-FURNITURE-facebook copy May 27

LAP’s 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

  Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today.  It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there. Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide […]

circletalker April 23

Talking in Circles with Circle Talkers

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ What’s up? It’s an easy question that should illicit a straightforward and immediate reply. In fact, “not much” would be adequate enough, because that would mean that the conversation is now over and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your […]

cropped-long-awkward-pause-final-banner1.jpg April 01

LAP Featured on WordPress News

In case you missed it: For the first time ever, this is not a spoof news announcement: The entire LAP cast was featured on WordPress News, so please join us for an insightful interview into the underworkings and underwears of of this marvelously disorganized humor mag of sorts! CLICK HERE to read the full interview We will […]

pinterest March 28

The Subliminal Meaning Behind Inspirational Pinterest Posters

We try to keep things light and airy around here, and we do that by telling fart jokes, pulling the occasional rubber chicken prank on De Voss, and by maintaining a positive outlook.  In no way, shape or form, does maintaining a positive outlook involve gluing transparent inspirational posters all over our social media pages. […]

Fred and Smokey February 10

Monday Mashups: It’s Friday in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

Welcome to the very first installment of Monday Mashups!   Right now you’re probably rubbing your tired eyes and asking yourself, “what’s a Mashup?”  Or, more likely, you’re pounding your alarm clock into the floor with a waffle iron and crying about it being Monday morning again.  We can’t help with the latter because we […]

IMG_0767 January 31

The 12 Most Commonly Misinterpreted Road Signs

Road Signs can be tricky when passing at a high rate of speed.  Coffee and cell phone distractions don’t help either.  Here’s a handy guide to help avoid any confusion the next time you’re encountered with any of the following road or walking signs.   1.)  DESIGNATED STUNT-BIKING AREA Remember to wear a safety helmet […]

Lady Gaga Meat Dress January 06

Lady Gaga Gets Devoured by Vanity Fair

One year ago today, the infamous beef-humping Lady Gaga graced the cover page of Vanity Fair.   *Cough..Putz* A non-reputable and overpaid media source heralds Gaga as one of the world’s most popular icons in Music and Fashion today, but poll studies show however, that the entire continent of Africa disagrees.   When asked, the same anonymous […]

Captchas December 13

Captcha-Cracking for Dummies

The topic of Internet Security is hotter than a pancake these days.  Hacker outbreaks are occurring now on almost a weekly basis, and every time it happens, everybody scrambles around changing all of their personal passwords from ‘password’ to ‘123456’.  Smooth move. Unfortunately, many online hosting sites feel very differently about Internet Security, and after […]

questions-and-answers November 27

Ask the Staff: A Question for Chowderhead

***** Occasionally we will get probing questions from our readers for the staff to answer. Occasionally we don’t. This could or could not be one of those occasions. You decide which. ***** Question for Chowderhead: Ok we had a question dropped in the box the other day that has be absolutely stumped.  The question comes […]

popculture November 11

Kiss’ Album ‘Destroyer’ Goes Platinum

Nov 11, 2013 On this day in Pop Culture History, KISS – the self-proclaimed biggest band in the world – propelled to the top of the rock charts, going platinum with their album Destroyer. Another equally notable event on this day worth mentioning:  Some kid in China farted. Twice. The immense popularity of this once controversial […]

La La La La La! Doo dee doo!  La La!  Great balls of fire! October 11

Picture Prompt: While My Keytar Gently Weeps. In my Bed.

Chowderhead says: Before putting on my bifocals, I thought I was looking at a crash test dummy about to get scooped up by a tractor shovel: Man, I was way off. But that woulda been just as cool as learning how to play the piano..while sleeping..at the same time. If that were me laying in bed playing […]

07protest.span August 08

Twinkie Prohibition

It never fails in this country; there’s always some party-pooper going out of his way to make sure that every last fun thing is sought out and removed from our lives.  This time its the Health Hippies – bawling on about Twinkies.  Preservatives this and cholesterol that… Blah Blah Blah! When exactly did a little […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 9,176 other followers