Author Archives: Ned's Blog

ned October 16

SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

To avoid creating widespread panic with that headline, let me begin by assuring everyone there’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! You did not somehow miss a Brad and Angelina sex tape that was leaked onto the Internet. However, before giving a huge sigh of relief, there’s still that whole Ebola thing going on in Texas which, […]

fonze September 18

It’s official: Everyone wants to be cool

A recent poll conducted by the staff here at Long Awkward Pause suggests that a whopping 95 percent of Americans (living within a one-block radius of LAP headquarters) either want to be — or already consider themselves to be — really cool. And not just because of their proximity to our office. I should point […]

Megaphone mother yelling at daughter August 25

Parenting teens is easy once you embrace being an embarrassment

Everyone with teenagers please raise your free hand. And by “free” hand, I mean whichever hand isn’t either guarding your wallet or refrigerator door. For parents without a free hand because you are guarding both, don’t worry; we can see it in your eyes. It’s that blank, pleading stare recognized and shared by all parents […]

Yes, Minnesota, even you have reason to fear a Sharknado. July 23

LAP advisory: In the event of a Sharknado, find the nearest catfish noodler

We all know it’s only a matter of time before “The Big One” hits the West Coast, probably somewhere in California first because, let’s face it, they get everything first. The aftershocks will then spread north along Oregon’s coastline, which is exactly where I happen to live. I’ve prepared myself for The Big One as […]

fireworks July 02

Today’s fireworks: Almost as exciting as burning your old socks

Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal […]

image June 11

Helpful tips for Southerners dealing with Fornicating Locust

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It’s June 2014, and that means a new generation of newlyweds in The South will be racing past family and friends while being showered with frantically mating cicadas. What are cicadas you ask? Think really big crickets. No, think grasshoppers on steroids. Actually, think “Hopper” from A Bug’s Life. For those who haven’t experienced cicada […]

spacey May 23

Kevin Spacey Pays It Forward During a Nacho Bar Interview

Though known for being tight-lipped about his private life, earlier this month it became no secret Kevin Spacey loves Mexican food. So it was no surprise when the two-time ®Oscar winner chose to meet for our interview at a quiet table in the back of Casa de Papitas, or “House of Chips,” a Hollywood-area nacho […]

Dancing around the May Pole together. April 28

Like Justin Timberlake and sexy, I’m bringin’ May Day back

Somewhere, lost between the risen Lord of Easter Sunday and the more laid-back Dos Equis guy of Cinco de Mayo, is the Roman flower goddess Flora, who used to reign supreme as THE party icon this time of year. Nowadays, any May Pole dancing is purely coincidental, at strip clubs, with the only reference to […]

taxterms March 24

Tax terms that can help cover your assets

After clearing off the kitchen table and finding an outlet for the calculator, I sat down to do my taxes. As always, I made sure to have all the necessary documentation and forms — W4s, tax forms, bank statements, insurance reports, tax schedules and, most importantly, a full box of Kleenex. As I sat staring […]

oscars February 28

First round of Oscars already awarded — not that anyone cares

HOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated Blockbuster Video warehouse in Culver City. The evening began […]

olympics February 16

Rising injury rate causes Olympic Committee to question Met-Life sponsorship

SOCHI, RUSSIA — Already being referred to as the “Ow-lympics” by many athletes, the Sochi games officially became the most injury-ridden winter Olympics ever when, late last night, Ukranian hockey player Watta Jerkoph broke his ankle. According to reports, the incident occurred when Bob Costas was returning to his room with a bucket of ice. […]

55590014TT017_57th_Annual_E February 12

Aiken says he’s the ‘Measure of a Man’ Congress needs

RALEIGH, N.C. —  My interview with singer and 2003 American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken began with a tour of North Carolina’s second Congressional district. As I sat on the back of his bedazzled Vespa motor scooter, Aiken seemed to take pride in his city, as well as take corners so sharply I had to squeeze […]

rose January 22

Can straight men benefit from watching The Bachelor?

  Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available  from Port Hole Publications, Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble . Hi. My name is Ned and I watch The Bachelor. I’ve been a heterosexual for 17,155 days and counting. I can see the looks of confusion but that’s okay; I’ve gotten […]

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