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Articles by BrainRants

About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

LAP’s 2016 Super Bowl Thoughts and Predictions

January 25, 2016 // 16 Comments

It’s that time of year again.  The time when we go semi-cray-cray and start figuring out creative ways to avoid our day jobs before and after the Super Bowl.  The off days before are to prepare awesome barbecue food and drink.  The days after are to sleep, vomit and medicate ourselves past the annual epic hangover we should have earned on [Click For More]

Dumb Stuff the Weather Guy Says

November 30, 2015 // 36 Comments

Winter is coming – everyone’s least favorite season.  Between the snow and cold, we get to deal with falling on our asses because of ice, and shoveling tons of white crap off our walkways.  Unless you live in Florida, of course.  I excluded California since they shovel tons of white shit year-round. Weather people are supposed to [Click For More]

Homecoming Season Advice

November 5, 2015 // 15 Comments

I came out of my cave and realized that we’re getting close to homecoming and/or prom season and other holiday-related date situation seasons.  By the way, the sun was really bright.  It hurt.  Moving on… I decided that all of the LAP Angry Dads out there (you know who you are) need a helpful guide to this perilous time of the [Click For More]

Word Has It

August 31, 2015 // 12 Comments

One fun annual event you might be unaware of is the Oxford English Dictionary’s release of new words. This announcement always entertains. At the same time, it can be frightening because you can think of it as a thermostat of how fast we’re dumbing the hell out of ourselves. Srsly. But on to the awesomesauce! You can read the entire [Click For More]

Heavenly Bodies

July 27, 2015 // 22 Comments

Long Awkward Pause readers are hip, informed and intelligent people. Because this is true, you like to Science, and I’ve been assigned an article to expand your universe. At least to bring space to your place. So I’m about to get all Neil deGrasse Tyson here. Maybe you thought by reading the title that this post would feature boobs. I [Click For More]

Father’s Day – A How-To Guide

June 20, 2015 // 19 Comments

Tomorrow is Father’s Day.  Like other important holidays such as Arbor Day or National G-String Day, LAP wants to provide our expert advice to you, gentle reader, on how to properly celebrate Father’s Day with your father.  Here’s [Click For More]

2015 Advice To Graduates

May 27, 2015 // 24 Comments

Howard the manager got a request for a graduation speaker.  I was not his first choice to fill the ticket.  Actually I think he tried to get a guest blogger when the rest of the staff were busy, but the email found my inbox.  He cautioned me about not making a scene or something like that, with words about student protests and such.  Anyway, I [Click For More]

Read This Before You Lick Your Keyboard

May 18, 2015 // 35 Comments

Fun quiz here, people: one of the most germ-ridden areas of your house is: The toilet Your butthole The TV remote Your keyboard   If you answered A or C, you’re close. If you answered B, you didn’t read the question, unless you happen to live up your own ass. I understand this happens to some people from the neck up, but I [Click For More]

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

April 23, 2015 // 147 Comments

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change.  Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… [Click For More]

LAP Covers the Election

April 14, 2015 // 29 Comments

After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk.  It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP. “Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful.  He added something that sounded like, [Click For More]

The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

March 17, 2015 // 33 Comments

I’m trying to type quietly because I want to die.  In a burst of corporate largesse, Howard flipped me the LAP Corporate Black Card.  He commissioned me and De Voss to conduct holiday research on St. Patrick’s Day from a Boston pub crawl perspective.  What follows are my notes, made along the way.  Enjoy.  I’m going off to [Click For More]

The LAP Guide to Valentine’s Day

February 2, 2015 // 41 Comments

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we like to think of ourselves as a full-service organization.  At least that’s what our manager, Howard, says when he tells us to get him coffee.  In the spirit of spreading that special Valentine’s Day feeling, the staff put together a short list of V-Day gifts that will give your objet de l’amour a [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause’s Resolution Advice for 2015

January 1, 2015 // 22 Comments

If the holiday season wasn’t bad enough for you, don’t forget that it’s not over yet.  The stress and overeating of Thanksgiving that kicks off the month of consumer fetishism doesn’t end when the fat, red-velour-clad toy pimp coke-snorts his way back up your chimney.  The insipid holiday muzak might stop, but the [Click For More]

Black Friday

December 1, 2014 // 27 Comments

I’m sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to figure out a post for this month.  Two things are causing me epic writer block.  The first is the fact that thanks to my family, I’ve finally been let in on the secret of “What Does the Fox Say?”  I’m firm in my belief I could have gone to my grave without [Click For More]

Candy Corn: An Addict’s Story

November 3, 2014 // 33 Comments

Every year I cycle through what some people like to call, “Falling Off the Wagon.” Yes, dear LAP audience, it’s true.  My name is BrainRants, and I’m a candycorn-aholic. It started as a kid. A small bag here, a few handfuls there.  They were dropped innocently into my pillowcase by well-meaning people as I trick or [Click For More]

LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

October 9, 2014 // 15 Comments

If you’re like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they’re profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or ‘official’ [Click For More]

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

August 28, 2014 // 20 Comments

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver babbles [Click For More]

STATE OF FOOD

July 31, 2014 // 16 Comments

One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

June 5, 2014 // 22 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:  The Bullet Points   Headline #1.) Rants: Lead [Click For More]
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