Author Archives: BrainRants

st-patricks-day-2015_st-patricks-day-london-24_99ab56b2b98734fb0e9fda4d314e989c March 17

The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

I’m trying to type quietly because I want to die.  In a burst of corporate largesse, Howard flipped me the LAP Corporate Black Card.  He commissioned me and De Voss to conduct holiday research on St. Patrick’s Day from a Boston pub crawl perspective.  What follows are my notes, made along the way.  Enjoy.  I’m […]

Valentines-Day-752x483 February 02

The LAP Guide to Valentine’s Day

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we like to think of ourselves as a full-service organization.  At least that’s what our manager, Howard, says when he tells us to get him coffee.  In the spirit of spreading that special Valentine’s Day feeling, the staff put together a short list of V-Day gifts that will give your […]

newyear January 01

Long Awkward Pause’s Resolution Advice for 2015

If the holiday season wasn’t bad enough for you, don’t forget that it’s not over yet.  The stress and overeating of Thanksgiving that kicks off the month of consumer fetishism doesn’t end when the fat, red-velour-clad toy pimp coke-snorts his way back up your chimney.  The insipid holiday muzak might stop, but the capstone of […]

blackfriday December 01

Black Friday

I’m sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to figure out a post for this month.  Two things are causing me epic writer block.  The first is the fact that thanks to my family, I’ve finally been let in on the secret of “What Does the Fox Say?”  I’m firm in my belief I […]

unnamed (2) November 03

Candy Corn: An Addict’s Story

Every year I cycle through what some people like to call, “Falling Off the Wagon.” Yes, dear LAP audience, it’s true.  My name is BrainRants, and I’m a candycorn-aholic. It started as a kid. A small bag here, a few handfuls there.  They were dropped innocently into my pillowcase by well-meaning people as I trick […]

investment October 09

LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

If you’re like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they’re profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or ‘official’ minted coins made of that […]

nowork September 11

Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events.  These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences.  In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid repertoire

douche August 28

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver […]

statefood July 31


One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first glance, official […]

bullet June 05

The Bullet Points

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:  The Bullet Points   Headline #1.) Rants: Lead investigator was quoted as making the comment, “All of them were just fabulous!” Headline #2.)  Rants: Then someone posts a picture that […]

Computer Nerd May 05

Nerdboy Dating 101

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were […]

bullet April 18

The Bullet Points

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave […]

autocorrect March 07

What Your Autocorrect Says About You

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have […]

bullet February 21

The Bullet Points

The Bullet Points is a new segment where we make our resident life ranter, BrainRants comment on the headlines of the week. Think of it like poking a stick in a fire ant hill… 1) Blind man sinks 3-point shot at college basketball game Rants: It’s so great to know the visually impaired are now […]

freemoney February 07

How To Get Free Money For Life

Millions of people lay on their sweat-logged sheets each night, wondering when the financial hamster wheel stops. Today we have an answer: “HOW DO I SUCK DOWN FREE MONEY ON DISABILITY?” You’re hesitant. You’re unsure about how to permanently suture your lips to the government tit. Relax and enjoy the ride. Step 1: Obtain a […]

Brainrants edited - Copy January 03

Things that Sandpaper my Balls

This time of year is perfect for coming up with things that just send me into realms of pissed off that most mortals

Rantology 101 December 06

What Really Sandpapers My Balls – 2nd Ed.

I’m certain you are all waiting in breathless anticipation for some Ranty® screed about Thanksgiving that will shame, highlight or compliment the other great writers here on LAP. Sorry – you’re not getting that. Overall, Thanksgiving is only slightly notched below the 4th of July for my personal favorite holiday. Besides, Howard made sure my […]

Rantology 101 November 04

What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

Contrary to what most of you likely believe, I can actually read and shit. No kidding. I won’t blow your mind by insisting that I typed this myself, and my lips didn’t even move. That would be digressing. Do you know what really sandpapers my b@!1$? The endless series of news pieces that breathlessly announce […]

Rants October 08

A Lurid Tale of Military Weapons Development

So I am supposed to write something – whatever pops into my defective head – upon seeing this picture. To be honest, my head about exploded, because Awesome Robot, and because Awesome Safe Sex. Actually, the second one not so much or so awesome, because No Junk Access (JA). Junk Access is important during sex, […]

rantsmug September 02


You know what I need? I need a cup of coffee. It’s 8:30pm here and I need to get this post done after waking at my normal 4:40am and doing a whole thirteen-hour day. Why? Because! But hey, I have coffee! And coffee has caffeine! Yay caffeine! Because hyper shit, and I stay awake and […]


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