Author Archives: BrainRants

nowork September 11

Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events.  These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences.  In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid repertoire

douche August 28

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver […]

statefood July 31

STATE OF FOOD

One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first glance, official […]

bullet June 05

The Bullet Points

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:  The Bullet Points   Headline #1.) Rants: Lead investigator was quoted as making the comment, “All of them were just fabulous!” Headline #2.)  Rants: Then someone posts a picture that […]

Computer Nerd May 05

Nerdboy Dating 101

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were […]

bullet April 18

The Bullet Points

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave […]

autocorrect March 07

What Your Autocorrect Says About You

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have […]

bullet February 21

The Bullet Points

The Bullet Points is a new segment where we make our resident life ranter, BrainRants comment on the headlines of the week. Think of it like poking a stick in a fire ant hill… 1) Blind man sinks 3-point shot at college basketball game Rants: It’s so great to know the visually impaired are now […]

freemoney February 07

How To Get Free Money For Life

Millions of people lay on their sweat-logged sheets each night, wondering when the financial hamster wheel stops. Today we have an answer: “HOW DO I SUCK DOWN FREE MONEY ON DISABILITY?” You’re hesitant. You’re unsure about how to permanently suture your lips to the government tit. Relax and enjoy the ride. Step 1: Obtain a […]

Brainrants edited - Copy January 03

Things that Sandpaper my Balls

This time of year is perfect for coming up with things that just send me into realms of pissed off that most mortals

Rantology 101 December 06

What Really Sandpapers My Balls – 2nd Ed.

I’m certain you are all waiting in breathless anticipation for some Ranty® screed about Thanksgiving that will shame, highlight or compliment the other great writers here on LAP. Sorry – you’re not getting that. Overall, Thanksgiving is only slightly notched below the 4th of July for my personal favorite holiday. Besides, Howard made sure my […]

Rantology 101 November 04

What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

Contrary to what most of you likely believe, I can actually read and shit. No kidding. I won’t blow your mind by insisting that I typed this myself, and my lips didn’t even move. That would be digressing. Do you know what really sandpapers my b@!1$? The endless series of news pieces that breathlessly announce […]

Rants October 08

A Lurid Tale of Military Weapons Development

So I am supposed to write something – whatever pops into my defective head – upon seeing this picture. To be honest, my head about exploded, because Awesome Robot, and because Awesome Safe Sex. Actually, the second one not so much or so awesome, because No Junk Access (JA). Junk Access is important during sex, […]

rantsmug September 02

IWROTETHISINSIXMINUTES!

You know what I need? I need a cup of coffee. It’s 8:30pm here and I need to get this post done after waking at my normal 4:40am and doing a whole thirteen-hour day. Why? Because! But hey, I have coffee! And coffee has caffeine! Yay caffeine! Because hyper shit, and I stay awake and […]

twinkiesboxed August 04

Only In ‘Murrica

First I want to say thanks to Chris DeVoss and all the other awesome bloggers here on A Long Awkward Pause.  It’s always humbling to be invited to write by others, especially when they do it so much better than you.  Chris sent me my first topic: Twinkies.  My reply was something like, “WTF?” but […]

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