Are Virgin Births on the Rise?

The Immaculate Conception

The Immaculate Conception. The painting doesn’t make me any clearer on the mechanics of that situation. Apparently there were a few people, and a bird, watching. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few days ago, retailers and people of Christian faiths celebrated what is acknowledged as the only virgin birth ever recorded. A few days before that, a study was released that found that one percent of women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five years old who became pregnant claimed that they were virgins and conceived without the help of a man or any sort of medical assistance.

Let me pause here because I know that some of you are reading this and saying “a few days ago…and a few days before that. We’re talking about something that is soooooo two weeks ago, Oma.”

Look, just back off me, alright? I was busy and haven’t had the time to write about this until just now. You want current? CNN is open for business.

Moving on then…

One Percent

One percent. That’s not many. Unless you consider that there were 3.9 million births in the United States last year. If my math is correct, thirty-nine-thousand women insist they did not have sex and became pregnant by some other miracle. Thirty-nine-thousand people are the equivalent of a small town. Everyone in that small town thinks that all the rest of us are dumb enough to believe them.

Shame on them.

Right next to that town is another small town of thirty-nine-thousand irresponsible men who have no idea why the thirty-nine-thousand women in the neighboring city think they way they do. They have no idea why their partners think they way they do, but they’re really glad about it.

Shame on them and shame on the researchers for not looking further into what these guys think of virgin birth.

If Ikea Sold Condoms

I’ve drifted from my point a bit. Where I’m headed is that only an idiot would claim immaculate conception and think that the rest of us would simply believe it. It is tempting to be insulted by this, but the people making these claims are not bright enough to be malicious.

Perhaps you’re wondering where the line of “not bright enough to be malicious” is. I think it is more of a you’ll know it when you see it kind of situation. My opinion is that those incapable of figuring out simple physical tasks are incapable of malicious behavior.

Using a condom is about as simple as physical tasks become. Put the one way balloon on the blunt instrument, roll it down. If it doesn’t roll, turn the balloon over. Simple. Anyone able to figure it out. If Ikea sold condoms, their directions would only have two drawings. Ok, maybe three if you count the inset that shows that you should turn the condom over if at first you don’t succeed.

According to the study, those claiming virgin birth are less likely to understand how to use a condom.

Parents of these virgin mothers were five times more likely to say that they didn’t know enough about sex and contraception to be able to speak to their children about those topics.

Oh yeah, and a third of the “virgins” who gave birth had signed chastity pledges.

A Goal Metaphor Becomes A Hockey Metaphor That Becomes A Conclusion

So how about this? How about if we just all finally agree that it is important to have proper sex education in schools?

I see that you've touched my sperm. Go on, click him.

I created this guy 3 years ago for a (freshly pressed) post on my blog, so yeah, copyright – me.

Lets face it, we’re cool when we’re little. Then we hit that magical age where we go completely berserk. We become very goal oriented and we all agree on what the goal is. Even people who sign a pledge not to pick up a hockey stick until they’re married understand what the goal is; they’re just pledging not to get into the game before they understand how badly they’re going want to play.

There will be hockey games played. Even teens who plan to stay on the bench until they’re married are going to get in the game. Choosing not to teach them the rules isn’t going to stop them from playing. They deserve the opportunity to play in the safest manner possible.

Sex education in our schools is a must – partly because there are people who can’t figure out a condom and partly because we can lower unplanned pregnancy.

But mostly, I’m in favor of it because I hate when 39,000 stupid people lie to me.

(ooooh, look at me being all controversial and political and such)