spider September 22

Let us Band together and Eradicate the world of Spiders

Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world: 1.) fugging nasty spiders 2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what […]

notesfeature September 20

The Saturday Six: Passive/Aggressive Notes

   We all have that one friend…that one person…who is soooooo passive/aggressive it just kills you. Like they ooze it. You know whenever you engage this person in conversation, you will immediately end up with a headache. One example of our favorite passive/aggressive things that people do, is when they have a name that is […]

fonze September 18

It’s official: Everyone wants to be cool

A recent poll conducted by the staff here at Long Awkward Pause suggests that a whopping 95 percent of Americans (living within a one-block radius of LAP headquarters) either want to be — or already consider themselves to be — really cool. And not just because of their proximity to our office. I should point […]

inventions September 16

The Greatest Inventions That Don’t Get Enough Credit

Throughout the decades and centuries there has been some inventions that have changed the world….fire, the wheel, the assembly line, the Victoria Secret Bra,and the iPhone….just to name a few. But there are the unsung heroes of the invention world that never get any praise or spotlight, yet we can’t live without them.   The Windshield […]

pizzafeature September 13

The Saturday Six: Pizza! Pizza!

   There are a list of perfect foods in the world. Everyone’s order of the foods would be different, but we think the list would be fairly similar for everyone. One of the foods in the list would definitely be pizza. And how could it not? It’s almost the perfect food. You could make the crust anything […]

ponyscopes_by_ambassad0r-d5r25re September 12

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES

September 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, Ladies Man, and Crypto-zoologist     In September, friendship is magic, because two different astral configurations will operate: first will be the cardinal cross formed by Uranus (located in Aries), Jupiter (in Cancer), Mars (in Libra) and Pluto (in Capricorn). It will have […]

nowork September 11

Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events.  These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences.  In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid repertoire

tinder September 09

Tinder Swiping: The DOs and DONT’s

On Tinder, we get to swiftly subject people to the basest yet most factored-in dating criterion: looks. You swipe right or left on your phone indicating yea or nay to a potential date based on a user’s picture. That makes Tinder efficient, honest and deliciously cruel. Swiping left means you theoretically never have to see […]

mobile-15632-1409343324-30 September 06

The Saturday Six: Awkward Kid Photos

   Ah…. The innocence of youth, and how it’s wasted on the young. Those darling apples of your eyes… Hey…what does that mean anyway? Apples don’t have eyes. Eyes don’t have apples. Oops. Sorry. We digress. Let’s try again. Those darling apples of your eyes…. Listen…seriously…who came up with that? Potatoes have eyes. That would […]

common-core-math-problem September 05

Common Core – The Death Of Math As We Know It (And Not In A Good Way)

“Daddy, I need your help,” the 7 year old says to me. “Sure honey…with what?” I respond. “Homework. Math. I don’t understand it.” Second grade math. Easy. Addition. Subtraction. Piece. Of. Cake. Now is my chance to look like a Super Hero! Captain Mathman! Super Subtraction-man! The Great Additionanator! With great pride and bravado I […]

themoreyouknow September 04

This Week I Learned Pt II

Reddit.com has this great feature called: Today I Learned, which complies little interesting and trivial facts about random things. We here at Long Awkward Pause have gathered a sample of some that we found worthy of mention:   The price of admission for a zoo in 18th century England was a dog or a cat — […]

jj September 02

An Unacceptable Amount of Mayonnaise – A Letter To Jimmy Johns

  Dear Mr. James of the Family John,   I’ll drop the formalities, Jimmy John; I’m going to be frank. Yesterday I thought I ordered a sandwich, but upon unwrapping the culinary atrocity you’d delivered I found nothing except disappointment and confusion—much like a child tearing open a birthday present only to find this year’s […]

nailfeature August 30

The Saturday Six: Pop Culture Nails

   Nailed it! That’s right…we told a joke that your Great Uncle Herbert or your Dad might tell. It’s not beneath us. We went for the cheap laughs. We will do it again. Hey! No! We do not  feel like we have had enough to drink yet…nor do we feel like we are ruining Little […]

douche August 28

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver […]

emmy-awards-2014 August 26

A RECAP OF THE 2014 EMMY AWARDS IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

.   7:58p – Billy Bush signs off from the red carpet and I breathe a sigh of relief that I missed Billy Bush talking to people on the red carpet. We’re in commercials and two minutes away from the start of the 2104 Emmy awards on NBC where the executives at NBC will get […]

Megaphone mother yelling at daughter August 25

Parenting teens is easy once you embrace being an embarrassment

Everyone with teenagers please raise your free hand. And by “free” hand, I mean whichever hand isn’t either guarding your wallet or refrigerator door. For parents without a free hand because you are guarding both, don’t worry; we can see it in your eyes. It’s that blank, pleading stare recognized and shared by all parents […]

mtv-video-music-awards-2014-thatgrapejuice-600x338 August 25

A RECAP OF THE 2014 VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

. Alright! It’s time for the 2014 Video Music Awards on MTV because as we all know if you want to music on video, you turn to MTV! Sorry You Tube, MTV is still king of it all! Ahem, anyway, the red carpet pre-show is still going on apparently. Crud, I am early. Oh well, […]

makeup August 23

The Saturday Six: Fake Celebrity Makeovers

   Who doesn’t want to be beautiful? Except Hairless Cats. Instagram is becoming the place for makeup tips and Cleopatra-like beauty transformations. More than 45 million Instagram posts are currently tagged with the word #makeup and/or #makeuptransformation. And what is more empowering than women helping women spend more money at Ulta?   And sure, we admit #6 looks […]

HENRY-ROLLINS-FULL-FRAME-CROPED-FINAL-WEB August 20

The Over The Line Show #8 with Special Guest: Henry Rollins Plus Robin Williams Tribute

On Today’s Show: Special Guest: Henry Rollins wears many hats; a musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, radio show host, and activist.  Rollins was the front man for the bands, Black Flag and the Rollins Band. He  has also hosted numerous radio shows, television shows, and been in several movies. Rollins has also campaigned for various […]

Herve_Villechaize_1977 August 18

The Greatest Tattoo, Ever

The story of a great moment, told in the rambling style I would use if we were standing in a bar.

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