Love_by_SillyPuttyEnemies October 24

Weird Things We Do For Love

It was 103º in July and I was driving 300 miles to see the snowboarding mountain upstart with the chiseled chin and smoldering gaze I’d met on the slopes a few months earlier. My heart was a restless puppy jumping in my throat. Forty miles into my drive, my 20-year-old Corolla’s temperature gauge was in […]

pumpkin October 20

In Defense Of Pumpkin Season

As the Fall season is upon us once again, I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Pumpkin and get his take on the new brewing trend of hating on his kind. Pumpkin: It’s an honor to be here. I’m a big fan of Longawkwardpause.com. Although I was hoping it would be someone else doing the […]

fitsfeatured October 18

The Saturday Six: Symmetrical

   We all have that one friend…that one person…who needs everything just so, just right, everything in it’s place, everything lined up, everything where it should be… And if you can’t think of that one friend or relative who is like that….guess what? It’s you! You can call it a disorder. You can call it […]

ned October 16

SPECIAL REPORT: Ebola virus may spread faster than Brad-Angelina sex tape

To avoid creating widespread panic with that headline, let me begin by assuring everyone there’s NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT! You did not somehow miss a Brad and Angelina sex tape that was leaked onto the Internet. However, before giving a huge sigh of relief, there’s still that whole Ebola thing going on in Texas which, […]

th October 13

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: OCTOBER HOROSCOPES 2014

  October 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Pilates Instructor, and Crypto-zoologist In October relationships will again be an extremely sensitive issue, no matter if it is about couple relationships, friendships, Relationships will be tense and conflicts can easily appear out of anything. Avoid games of pinochle, spades, or go fish. Your chances of […]

phones October 11

The Saturday Six: Daily Life Facts

  Do you know what’s funny? The World. Do you know why it’s so gosh darn funny? Because even when you look around you and everything seems to make sense…it doesn’t. Sometimes if you take a moment to peel back the layers, nothing at all makes sense. Take for example: Turtle Neck Sweaters. On the […]

investment October 09

LAP’s Investment Hoarding Guide

If you’re like me, you get deluged with snail-mail, e-mail and telemarketers trying to sell you the latest, hottest and most profitable get-rich-quick scheme. They all share some common traits: One, they’re profitable – for the jerk selling the plan, and; Two, they involve either gold, silver, diamonds or ‘official’ minted coins made of that […]

kim October 06

If Kimye Made a Music Video

  Jacyln is the queen of the three S’s: sassy, snarky and sarcastic. You can find her at: snarkybrunette.com where she writes about pop culture, dating, life, pop culture, people, random things, and pop culture. You can also find her on her YouTube Channel: Snarky TV.     ————————————————————————————   Most of us would agree that we have this […]

costumefeatured October 04

The Saturday Six: Group Halloween Costumes

  Halloween will be here faster than you know it. When most of the staffers at Long Awkward Pause were kids, the vinyl costume ruled the streets. This was the one where the mask was plastic and went around your head with an elastic band. While the costume itself, you stepped into like surgical scrubs, […]

themoreyouknow October 02

This Week I Learned Pt III

Reddit.com has this great feature called: Today I Learned, which complies little interesting and trivial facts about random things. We here at Long Awkward Pause have gathered a sample of some that we found worthy of mention:   A company is now able to mass produce spider silk. They inserted the genes of the spider into […]

pumpkins September 29

I’ve Been Meaning To Talk To You About Him…

He’s leaving. He’s taking your money with him when he does…again. How do you not see this coming?

cfeature September 27

The Saturday Six: Coloring Book Corruptions

   As a child, coloring was always a good time waster. It didn’t matter whether or not you colored in the lines, out of the lines, or  like Robin Thicke, and colored with blurred lines. And half naked dancing girls. And Miley Cyrus, with a foam finger. Taking a poll amongst the staffers of Long Awkward […]

Pure evil. September 25

Caramel Apples Are Disgusting

It officially became fall earlier this week, which means it has officially become the time of year where we must all vociferously express our disdain for all the popular food items, flavors, and fragrances of autumn. We’ve all been exposed to our share of pumpkin spice screeds, but that’s so 2013. This year, we must […]

spider September 22

Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders

Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world: 1.) fugging nasty spiders 2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what […]

notesfeature September 20

The Saturday Six: Passive/Aggressive Notes

   We all have that one friend…that one person…who is soooooo passive/aggressive it just kills you. Like they ooze it. You know whenever you engage this person in conversation, you will immediately end up with a headache. One example of our favorite passive/aggressive things that people do, is when they have a name that is […]

fonze September 18

It’s official: Everyone wants to be cool

A recent poll conducted by the staff here at Long Awkward Pause suggests that a whopping 95 percent of Americans (living within a one-block radius of LAP headquarters) either want to be — or already consider themselves to be — really cool. And not just because of their proximity to our office. I should point […]

inventions September 16

The Greatest Inventions That Don’t Get Enough Credit

Throughout the decades and centuries there has been some inventions that have changed the world….fire, the wheel, the assembly line, the Victoria Secret Bra,and the iPhone….just to name a few. But there are the unsung heroes of the invention world that never get any praise or spotlight, yet we can’t live without them.   The Windshield […]

pizzafeature September 13

The Saturday Six: Pizza! Pizza!

   There are a list of perfect foods in the world. Everyone’s order of the foods would be different, but we think the list would be fairly similar for everyone. One of the foods in the list would definitely be pizza. And how could it not? It’s almost the perfect food. You could make the crust anything […]

ponyscopes_by_ambassad0r-d5r25re September 12

LONG AWKWARD PAUSE PRESENTS: SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES 2014

September 2014 Horoscopes – Compiled by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic, Sudoku Master, Ladies Man, and Crypto-zoologist   In September, friendship is magic, because two different astral configurations will operate: first will be the cardinal cross formed by Uranus (located in Aries), Jupiter (in Cancer), Mars (in Libra) and Pluto (in Capricorn). It will have a […]

nowork September 11

Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events.  These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences.  In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid repertoire

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